I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
