YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
He kissed a someone with a penis
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
