i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I am spending my child support on dildos
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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