i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
zippers are such a cool invention
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
