Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
