I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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