Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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