I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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