So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
