the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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