Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
