I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
