Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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