I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
