the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don't deserve a penis
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
