what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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