I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
