i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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