Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
