I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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