alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
