what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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