My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
