please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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