I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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