I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
