So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
