at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
