I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
