so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
