im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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