I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
