you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
