I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
