Kareoke will never be a sober sport
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I touched a dick in church today
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
