I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
