May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
