my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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