It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
