so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
