i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
