If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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