I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
