I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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