I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I deserve this hangover.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
