If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I don't deserve a penis
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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