I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
