You're so nebulous sometimes
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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