Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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