I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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