My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
