Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
