i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
