sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
